Earth is crammed with heaven

The pool today was colder than the sea in February. I tried to imagine I was there: Swimming off Battery Rocks, Penzance; St Michael's Mount a stone's throw away, the sun on my face... Then there was a gust of wind and I remembered I was in a paddling pool in Essex, and it was 12 degrees. I do seem to have a knack of making things difficult for myself; eg. setting myself a swimming challenge as the temperature drops, the wind picks up, and April showers start with a vengeance. I've been doing admin for fundraising all day. The Salvation Army, who I am part of, have lost a lot of their income during the pandemic, at a time when the need for our work in the community has increased. Locally in Harlow, our charity shop is closed, and none of the activities that generate income are able to take place. It's the same the world over. I've never been good at asking for financial support for our work, so I've always left it to Chris, but I'm pleas

Today's Headlines from Testosterone Towers 1. Nathan has broken his no napping at 4pm rule. 2. Chris has announced "I'm back!" and received a High 5. 3. Daisy has skilfully re-arranged all the cushions in her line of vision. 4. Ryan is singing to himself as he works. 5. Joel is cooking a yet-unidentified dinner. 6. Karen signed up to do a fundraising swim. In a paddling pool. Attached to the washing line. More information here https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/harlow-corps-the-salvation-army1 We're all fairly chilled in The Towers today. I think we're all currently accepting of the current situation. Along with the rest of the world, we're finding it tempting, but impossible, to try and plan ahead. As we try and establish normality, we're aware that things are constantly subject to review, and therefore change. In the meantime, a tentative peace has descended this afternoon; a lightness, that isn't always evident around these p

I emerged from the water with a swimmers tan this morning. I love swimming in the rain, so ventured out as usual, not realising the rain was particularly heavy at that moment. Undaunted, I swam for 10 minutes at 13 degrees, and felt amazing. The cold had worked it's magic on my skin colour, and I looked as if I'd been somewhere warm on holiday. A friend popped round to pick something up. I can't remember the last time I saw her, so we stood on the doorstep for half an hour. It's the ordinary things I miss the most, like inviting friends in for a cuppa. The last hour has been spent having an online consultation with my therapist. I can't have my regular treatment, so this is the next best thing under the circumstances. It was lovely to see her, to be listened to, heard and treated accordingly. I felt better afterwards. Today has been a day of calls, organising and admin. I'm really enjoying the pastoral calls, which seem so important at the moment

The funeral went as well as it could today. It was Chris's first public ministry since he was ill, so a little more tense than usual first-thing. An early swim, coffee, and some emergency prayers seemed to do the trick. Harlow Salvation Army is very good at coming together; everyone doing their bit to contribute to the whole, and today saw Harlow SA at its best. It was very sad, as you'd expect;  but the best possible tribute to her life in these strange times. Our usual post-funeral routine was unavailable to us today. Back in 1993, when we did our first funeral, Jurassic Park had just been released; so off we went to Bury cinema for a complete change of gear after the emotion of the funeral. It's a practice we have continued as much as possible; doing something we enjoy, that's in complete contrast to what's gone before. Today we had the excitement of a trip to the shops to buy a new dog lead. And cake. And now we're watching Miranda.

A friend texted me about something this morning. She finished her text with the words, "Have a restful Sabbath." Those words have stayed with me today. For those of us in a similar church tradition, Sunday isn't usually restful. The schedule isn't as mad as it was when I was a child: Three meetings, two Sunday-schools and Two Open-Airs, but still. Sunday is traditionally a day when the elders in Testosterone Towers are always tired. continually hungry, and in bed as early as possible. Sundays have always felt that way for us. That's why we usually take Mondays off. But Sabbath is something different. We rarely find it on a Sunday, but Sabbath-rest is something we look for, and receive, in various ways through a busy week. I rested in the garden post-swim, following the Zoom meeting with our church and I realised I was catching a glimpse of the 'un-forced rhythms of grace' (Matthew 11). It's a phrase we hear often these days, from The

Day 40 Such a milestone requires something different. Here’s a vlog instead x Prior to lockdown, part of my walks with Daisy took me by a river, and I used to recite Psalm 23. I realised today how much I gained from that habit, so I went to the woods to remind myself of it's truths. God. My shepherd. He makes, he leads, he restores. His goodness and mercy follow me all my days. Timeless truths. I need to say them aloud sometimes to remind my soul.

Today Testosterone Towers fell silent. No conversation, or television, or expellations of any kind. I was home alone for what felt like the first time in living memory. It lasted for almost two hours as three were at work, and one fulfilled his occasional voluntary role as chauffeur and bodyguard. Peace, perfect peace. After some time revelling in the silence, swimming and praying, I phoned a lady from the church. “Would now be a good time to read the worship sheet to you?” When lockdown began, we knew online worship would not be the best thing for our church. We have a lot of people with no access to the internet; And as it turns out, that area is well covered by other churches. However I only realised this week, that one of our ladies is unable to read the worship sheet, as her sight is so poor. So I found myself reading scripture, sharing the message, singing, praying, and finally, saying the grace together. What a moment it was. I’ve always known church isn’t a

“I'll do chicken in breadcrumbs and chips tonight so you and dad don't have to do anything x” That text brought me to tears this morning. Not because I wanted to cook. I didn’t. Not because I wanted something a bit more healthy. I don’t. Just because the sender was saying, in the best way he knew, that he loved us and wanted to do something to help. It’s been a tough time for news lately, and this morning’s was no exception, so we wait and pray. I think it’s everyone’s reality at the moment. We had two ‘visits’ planned for this morning. They were a pleasure to do, for the look of surprise, but I don’t half miss hugs. And coffee. Obviously. We took Daisy with us, not because she’s particularly good at pastoral care, she can be quite self-absorbed; But because we thought she, and we,  would enjoy a different place to walk. Putting ourselves in the way of beauty helped for a while. Chris has gone to the hall to do finance

Hands up if you spent some time in the last few evenings staring up at the night sky? A few of us in Testosterone Towers have enjoyed the spectacle of the Starlink. The first night we were a little disappointed as it was travelling slowly and more spaced-out than expected. (No pun intended.) We did wonder if, as key workers, we could pop out somewhere with less light-pollution, for the purposes of an interactive Bible Study of  Psalm 8:3-4? Considering the heavens and all that... We decided we were probably pushing our luck, and it didn't fall into the category of essential travel. It was much clearer last night though, and a joy to behold. It also brought opportunity for much hilarity as two of the TT residents decided to lie in wait for the one returning from a late-shift at work. It was very, very funny apparently; more for the two who were lying in wait, than the one returning. I wouldn't know as I was asleep. Today has involved me helping at the Foodbank, afte

I woke this morning, thinking of officer friends and colleagues, and people in ministry. I know there are lots of things going on for everyone, but I read last week that comparing the suffering we feel, as much less than that of others, and so trying to ignore it, is counter-initiative. There's enough empathy and love to go around. Showing empathy and kindness to ourselves, actually increases the empathy we feel for others. So today I'm asking for prayer for those in church leadership and ministry. 1. For those who are exhausted physically and emotionally, with no respite in sight, bring strength and rest. 2. For those who are at a loss as to what to do to help their people, bring clarity and rest. 3. For those who are falling into the 'satan-trap' of comparison with others, bring encouragement, eyes that seek your face, and rest. 4. For those who are recovering from illness, covid-19 or something else, and those who already suffer with ongoing health issues

Today's Twitter game was, "What can you recite by heart that would use up all the characters in a Tweet?" I immediately posted the words to Wham Rap: "Young guns are having some fun, crazy ladies keep 'em on the run..." And so on. And so forth. Sing along if you know it. So today's ponderings beg the question, Why can I remember words I learned by heart from Smash Hits in 1982, but I can't remember important things like names, and faces, and where I know people from? A few years before I learned those words, I sang for the very first time with Liverpool Walton singing company. I can still remember what I sang; mainly because I didn't know the words, or the music, and didn't have either in front of me. What blessed provision of thy grace, that I should find a secret place? Within thy presence there to dwell. And silently, my need to tell. I could tell you every word. I could even sing it for you if you liked. What I c

I wore my favourite dress today. I straightened my hair. I even put on a bit of lippy. Yes I was doing a Zoom meeting, but that wasn't the reason. I just felt like making a bit of an effort. What I wear affects how I feel, and much as I love hoodies and T-shirts that tell the tales of my swimming exploits, today required something extra. It's Sunday, in case you were wondering, but that wasn't the reason either. Chris and I usually have a bit of a routine on Sunday mornings. Our service starts at 10.30am. After a long period of sickness a few years ago, I started dropping Chris at the hall about 9.50ish, grabbing a coffee then parking in a local car park to breathe. And pray. And read scripture. And think about the worship that was ahead. Especially if it was me preaching. Then I got to the hall just before worship starts, and took time to meet with everyone afterwards. At first, it was necessary, and then we realised it worked for us, so we continued. I

Today has been a good day. Coffee and a hot cross bun first thing. Cinders has washed the kitchen floor, and we’re having a Chinese for tea. Chris and I went to the theatre today to see Phantom of the Opera. If you’re quick, it’s on You Tube for the next 4 hours. It was very moving at the end, seeing the first stars of the show on stage with the current ones. We have so much to learn from each other when we take the time. Talking of learning, my Mum has been continuing my education as we ‘walk’ together. I don’t know the names of some of the trees or flowers. She, being my Mum, knows everything. Which reminds me, Why are some lovely things called weeds, not flowers? Who decides? I wrote yesterday of normal service being resumed today. It has, kind of, as I’ve done things I enjoy, rested, and put myself in the way of beauty. A friend reminded me yesterday that I know what to do when I don’t feel right. I take care of myself. I feel like I’ve done that the last fe

I went to bed early last night, and woke this morning with a sore throat, headache and general aches and pains. I decided to isolate myself as much as possible today as we played the  ‘Is it or isn’t it?’ game. From what I hear it’s played throughout the world at the moment. You’ve probably played it too, with every cough and splutter, and occasional sneeze. After a morning of drifting in and out of sleep,  while listening to Wuthering Heights being read to me, I remembered that I was expecting a call. There started a trail of conversations via text, phone and video call, that lasted for the rest of the afternoon. All kinds of people in all kinds of situations; Grief or joy,  Furloughed or working from home, Key-workers or  completely isolated. Life goes on, it seems, even though the things we cling to have all but disappeared. What does God have to say to us amid it all? I believe he meets us where we are. Right now. I know. I’m here.

Day 31... In some ways it hardly seems possible. In others, it feels much longer. We've just had the announcement that lock-down continues for at least three more weeks. We were expecting it, but it's sobering nonetheless. A friend messaged me after yesterdays post; She wondered if my tears were a sign that I needed to take care? If Chris being ill meant I'd been running at a fast speed, and all the while the world had been changing around me? Thank God for friends who put into words what I struggle to articulate. I haven't really allowed myself time to process the situation we're in; to make space for the loss and the grief; and to acknowledge that programme may have stopped, but my responsibilities have changed and increased in unforseen ways. I've tried to fit it in, but pressure has been fairly relentless, even for me; and I put a lot of effort into self-care. This evening I have to acknowledge that I can't be everything that everyone

The pool was really cold this morning, even by my standards. It was in a new venue as we're trying to avoid ruining the grass, and it's new home doesn't get as much sun. It was colder than the sea in February. It was also a bit earlier than usual. After dealing with some unexpected work stuff, I needed to clear my head before the family meeting. Testosterone Towers was a tough crowd this morning. They wouldn't join in with my congratulatory clapping, made a joke of everything, and weren't overly-appreciative of the Lindt chocolate bunny given to each attendee. We talked through some important stuff; like 1. What take-away we were getting tonight (Dominos as Nathan gets 35% off). 2. How the cooking rota was working out (Joel's doing Sunday, the rest of us as and when.) and 3. Nathan was appointed bathroom monitor. If I'm honest, I was a bit tearful afterwards. As I reminded them, "It's hard living with four men." Lovely as they

My grandparents lived in a village just outside Bristol. The village was called Sandford, it was like it was meant to be. Their bungalow backed onto a wood, and in my head we spent most of our childhood having picnics and picking wildflowers. Spring is a special time of year for me. Today, I felt a bit 27th Decemberish. That feeling when Christmas is over, and we're wondering what to look forward to now. I woke early and listened to some music, caught up on my prayer app, and did some colouring. Those distractions didn't work too well, so I boiled the turkey carcass and made some soup for dinner. Finally I went in search of beauty. Daisy and I went on the hunt for bluebells. We've lived in Harlow for 5yrs now, and I've struggled to find many over the years. After a tip-off from a local Facebook group, I went to the woods a few minutes from home. As if by magic, the barren landscape of a few weeks before, had been transformed into a carpet of blue an

Easter Monday I'll let you into a little secret. I've never been a big fan of Bank Holiday outings. All that traffic, and having to have fun is exhausting. So in a way, today has been just the way I like it. I wrote yesterday about learning new skills during this time. One thing we've found Chris has learned, is the ability to sleep again. We may or may not have been giving him a hard time about the fact he was nearing 60. Old people don't seem to need as much sleep after all, but in truth he's slept poorly for a long time. Until the virus struck, and now he could sleep for England. Good job! It's not a skill I have learned, but every so often my body seems to know it needs a 'return to factory settings'. In the last 24 hours I have slept for about 16 of them. I went to bed yesterday for a nap and woke four and a half hours later. I got up for something to eat, watched TV, then slept for just over 12. It felt like relief. There's

There have been lots of firsts since this began. I’ve always viewed myself as a lifelong learner, but these few weeks have been a steep curve. After a late lunch I popped upstairs for a nap. Four and a half hours later I woke up. I think it was relief. Plus the fact that I was in the garden with the dawn chorus. I know today has been hard for lots of people. I also think it’s taken people by surprise; the emotion, the tears, the wistful longing for home, even though that’s where we’ve been all day. As today draws to a close, I remind myself that Jesus has risen. It really is finished. Weeping endures for a night, a week, a month... But Joy? Joy is on its way. We’ll see it in the morning Much love my friends xx

Happy Easter! Hasn't today felt strange? Such a mixture of emotions. The excitement of sunrise. The reminders that He is risen. The joy of the Easter bunny arriving. (I made that one up.) We ventured into the world of Zoom with our church today. It was so lovely to see each other. To pray. To laugh. To sing. (Well actually the singing didn't really work, but it was funny.) Every day's a school day. It felt very sad video-calling my Mum. She's doing brilliantly, but I think today has been hard. Ryan mentioned to Megan that Nanny was sad, and before we knew it, Megan was round there dropping off a card and some cakes. Thankfully she only lives a few miles from Mum. She's so thoughtful. Today has been different to what we're used to. No shizzle Sherlock. Easter is usually busy with good reason, but it's been nice to have time to reflect; to appreciate, to be thankful for the gift of life. New life. A life of hope and possibilitie

Easter Saturday The day when God is silent, but not absent. I woke early again, and recorded a video to send to the church. Today feels like a gift to us at the moment. Permission to sit with what is, not what is to come. A time to sit and be accepting. We may know the end of the story. We may be unsure, grieving, scared. We can't  rush through to the ending just because we think we know. We sit. We wait. We watch. Believing in the darkness, what we know to be true in the light. The Towers is quite relaxed today. The sunshine definitely helps. We have time. Last night we had a family quiz which my niece arranged via Messenger. Ryan's knowledge of Disney was only equalled by Chris's recall of TV theme tunes. It was great to see everyone, even though we came second; we were robbed... As that went so well, I took a deep breath and explored the world of Zoom. All this stuff scares me a bit, but I'm going to have to embrace it. So far I've writt

Testosterone Towers came to life slowly today. I, on the other hand, can't seem to sleep past 6am. It was quite nice being awake alone on Good Friday morning. Time to pause, reflect, worship. About 8am I tweeted, Testosterone Towers has been quite tricky these past few days.  Mainly because we're getting on each others nerves, even though we love each other very much. On this Good Friday I'm praying. No-one's situation is ideal. Today is a day of grief and hope. I think Good Friday, of all days, is a good day to practise being present. We know the end of the story, but that doesn't change the reality of it, we can't rush through to the happy ending. So, in the interest of being present, we have mainly been going with the flow. Eating, reading, worshipping via an on-line link, exercising, swimming and playing cards. We had the obligatory hot-cross bun and coffee after the on-line service. We even rang my Mum so she could play a hand of cards

Maundy Thursday. Again another very different day. I woke early and decided to walk Daisy. I thought it would be quiet, but the dog-walkers are obviously early risers. I wanted to do a video for our church, as some of them are unable to get out at all, so I thought I'd share my walk with them. That way I don't need to be in front of the camera. Whenever I think about it, I hear Monica saying "The camera adds 10lbs", swiftly followed by Chandler, "How many cameras are on you?" My lock-down-healthy-eating-plan is going really well... We did some deliveries/visitation too. It's not quite the same without the cups of coffee and the hugs, and having to stand outside. I also realised how much we take the local McDonald's for granted. We have four in Harlow. Two drive-thrus. Flat-whites are my favourite. I miss them. I watched the last of The Passion today, the BBC version from 2008. It's so harrowing and moving watching the story u

Today has been a well-being kind of day. Yesterday was quite full, and culminated with me completing the worship sheet for Easter weekend. I'm not a last-minute person when it comes to sermon/worship preparation, but a lot of it happens on walks and swims. Then I write the material, but it is subject-to-change at any point up to or during the service itself. I struggled with getting started, but it flowed quite easily once I got writing. By early evening it was all done, and emailed to our wonderful tech lady who worked her magic and makes it ready for printing and posting online. Having completed that yesterday, today I felt a real sense of relief. When we prepare worship it's only half the story, as we still have the natural pressure that comes in delivering it in a service. That pressure has completely gone, and I'm not used to it. But I quite like it. This morning has been a combination of sharing in worship online, thank you William Booth College, of restin

I cried today. Gut-wrenching, proper sobbing. I read recently that someone had started crying for no reason, and couldn't stop. It seems a natural reaction to the current situation. The news we had been expecting since before the weekend, arrived, and the dam definitely burst. She was so lovely; Kind, thoughtful, generous, funny. Such a loss for her husband; for everyone. The boys wanted to know what they could do for me. The kettle was mentioned. But I set them to work in the shed, then the garden, and about an hour later I had a pool to swim in. Well, when I say pool, it was a paddling pool. And when I say swim, it was more a lie-down, while waving my arms around, my tow-float attached to the dog lead, which was tethered to the washing line. Pictures are available on request. For a small fee. But the cold water did what it usually does, to my body, my mind, and my soul. It's been three weeks since my last swim. I thank God that my body does what it

On this day in history I usually have a retreat day. It's a movable feast, in terms of the date, but it's always the Monday before Easter. I like to spend the day reflecting on the week ahead, Holy Week; and it's important for me to spend time alone with God, at the start of this week of all weeks. So, Testosterone Towers, that lesser-known retreat centre, was my venue for the day. I'll be honest with you, I didn't feel great when I woke today. I often find that to be the case when I go on retreat. Almost as if it's there when I most need it. Funny that. The weekend had been tricky. Leadership is hard. I'm well aware of that. Over the past few months I've been reflecting on the phrase, 'The Priesthood of all believers.' The fact that as a church, we all have a part to play. I think I'm quite good at emphasizing the importance of team; of encouraging, and empowering people to do what they do best. But sometimes it's ha

Palm Sunday dawned bright and clear over Testosterone Towers. Yesterday I woke with big questions going round and round in my head. This morning I woke with the room going round and round. My head was completely blocked, and vertigo, my old nemesis, had decided today was the perfect day to put in an appearance. Palm Sunday. Not so much waving palm branches, as pretty much everything waving before my eyes when I moved. Maybe it’s just as well I took the weekend off. You won’t be surprised to know that the Towers is managing quite well without me. Roast beef is cooking. Daisy has had a walk. Food shopping is being done as we speak. I’m currently watching Tangled, propped up on 64 pillows Approximately. I spent the morning listening to Wuthering Heights on audible. It’s free at the moment, read by the dulcet tones of Inspector Foyle. It’s years since I read it. Talking of freebies we’re planning on going to the theatre later. I had planned to dress up but that’s not

I woke this morning thinking about life’s big questions. Like, when did we start cascading emails? I miss the days when we could just forward them without an interpretive dance. The number of cascading emails is unprecedented... Anyway I decided to take this weekend off. This is a bit of a novelty for me, as Corps Officers we only get six weekends off per year. We only work on Sundays after all. I felt like I needed a bit of respite from everything. Nathan cooked bacon and egg for brunch, then we clapped our key worker off the premises. We took Mum for a walk with us via WhatsApp. I made the word Hosanna on the grass with sticks. It was something I’d suggested on our church worship sheet, but it proved a bit tricky, as Daisy really, really wanted to help. Well when I say help, she wanted to run off with the sticks. It was good to pause. To be thankful. To share and remember all we have. It’s been a struggle to switch off if I’m honest. I usually go to the cinem

I straightened my hair today. This is notable for two reasons; 1. I can't remember the last time I straightened it. 2. I washed it with an egg yesterday* *cue uncontrollable hilarity for 5 mins at last night's dinner Yes I did mean to. No I didn't crack it on my head No I haven't run out of shampoo Yes I did keep the water cool, so I didn't end up with scrambled egg that no-one wanted to eat. I've been wanting to experiment with not using products on my hair for quite a while; and the fact that I may or may not have washed it much recently, presented the perfect opportunity. I let it dry naturally, (again the scrambled-egg risk) and this morning I woke up to clean, soft, shiny hair. It's straightened, and I'm wearing lippy and a pink jumper. I'm thrilled. Other highlights today included: 1. Walking Daisy in the woods. 2. Making soup: carrot, parsnip and butternut squash. 3. Texting and messaging people on my mind. 4. Delivering

Just a few lines from the Towers today. We’ve had bad news about one of our church members today. It’s not over yet, but it will take a miracle. So we’re praying. And crying. And trying to take one day at a time, because the thought of all the grief ahead is overwhelming. Once again I’m grateful for technology. A video-call to Mum. A prayer over the phone from someone else. Reaching out is the way forward. We’re not designed to carry this stuff alone. I shall be mainly casting my burdens until further notice. If I forget, please remind me. ‘Cast all your anxiety on Him, because he cares for you’ 1 Peter 5:7 Lots of love xx

Today has been quite an eventful one; starting from the moment we remembered Ryan was back at work, as we heard the door slam on his way out. It was a bit loud, but I've kinda missed it. Those who know us well, will know that over the last few years, my main church responsibilities have been worship and pastoral care. Since Chris became ill, just over two weeks ago, I've been thrown headlong into new situations. New in the sense that, though I'd done them in the past, Chris is the one that usually deals with a lot of the practical, community stuff. It works for us, and we have an amazing Centre-Coordinator who has been helping me re-connect with stuff I'd forgotten. I'd planned to go to the hall today as Foodbank was on. It had been fairly quiet last week so, while I wasn't needed to help, I could sort out some of the practicalities of getting the 'Wonder-full Worship' sheet out to the church. I was grateful today that it's not what you kn

We have a visiting writer at Testosterone Towers today. He told me he'd written something a week ago, but only sent it me this morning. I thought you'd like to read it too, so please give a warm welcome to... Chris Sandford! He's more or less confined to bed today, so extra prayers would be great. Regular readers will know that we're as certain as we can be, with the current non-testing in the UK, that he has had COVID19. He writes: 22 March 2020 I've had the Coronavirus now for about a week. It has been so hard not to be able to be part of life. Either life as a family, or the life of responsibility that my work is. My phone is turned off as I just can't deal with stuff. I have no energy, and am unable to eat properly, or function. I just have to allow things to go on around me,and accept people have it under control as I rest, and allow this illness to take its course. Karen has taken things in her stride for family, and work