Earth is crammed with heaven

In the hours just before dawn The pains began. She was unsure at first She’d never done this before Was she ill? Morning came with the realisation that this was it. Everything she’d heard Trusted Believed; Had been leading her to this moment. As the rhythms took hold she surrendered. Ancient wisdom transformed her youthful body into a vessel of knowledge. When her pain was at its greatest she cried out. And as it ebbed she breathed, Gulping breaths of heaven. She was still. Waiting. Trusting. Hoping. Believing. “The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.”

I used to love Christmas cards. Part of me still does. Remember the days pre-social media? The contact from people we hadn’t seen for years. The catch up on their news. The pledge to ‘get together soon.’ This year For the first time ever I haven’t written even one Christmas card. The reasons for this are as follows: 1. I couldn’t find them and I didn’t want to buy more. 2. I haven’t quite found the time. 3. I’m a rebel who can’t be tamed. (One of those may not be true.) Strangely enough the ones I feel bad about are the ones for our congregation. Which is weird as I’ll be seeing most of them to wish them the blessings of the season, in person. I think I don’t want them to feel forgotten, Because they’re not. Not thought about, Because they are. Unloved, Because they’re not. Even the trickier ones... The truth is I found the cards yesterday. I’d put them in a safe place. I can just about find time to write them. But I’m not going to. I’m weary and would...

How long does it take for a dream to come true? How long do you wait for a prayer to be answered? How many times do you shake your fist at God as you shout “Still? Waiting?” The truth is I don’t know. I do however, know the reality of living with unanswered prayers. The silent cries of desperation. The endless longing for things to be different. The angry “What possible reason could you have?” There are so many things I don’t know. I wish I did. I do know this however; I know that God loves me. I know he hears every cry of my heart. I know that he is Immanuel God with us. I know that God comes to me in many ways. In my darkest days he has come as the Lamb of God and let me cry into his wool. I know there is nowhere I can go that God is not. I know he doesn’t mind when I ask over and over, to trace the marks on his hands, the wound in his side, that I might believe. I know that the darkest time is just before the dawn. Still? Waiting? Hold on in the da...

I go for blood tests quite often. If I time it right I can get a number, A flat-white from Costa Then sit and wait for my number to come up. It's all in the detail. A few weeks ago I saw a lady I knew through work. We had that moment of checking whether we both wanted to make eye-contact. She did. I did. A hug later and we were chatting. Before long we were past the chit-chat and into personal territory, And she told me something she hadn't told anyone before, she thought I might understand. I did. I got it. The thing she couldn't tell anyone. The thing that felt like the worst thing in the world. The thing that I'd only expressed myself a few times. I knew. Her face lit up. She hugged me, She went on her way. I waited for my blood test. Grateful. Proud. Excited. And yes, blessed (no hashtag required) Blessed to be the one who listens, Who nods. Who understands because she's been there herself, Often. Blessed to be the one who ...

Chris and I thought we'd get ahead a bit last week. We had a couple of hours before I was due at the church, so off we popped to our local Supermarket. With list and vouchers for extra points we were on a roll! Toys for the Toy Appeal. Stuff for the Christmas Services. Presents for the volunteers. We were dead chuffed with ourselves. Until Chris was transferring stuff from the trolley, that is. To cut a long story short, the next few hours involved blood and bandages, glue and steri-strips, and a couple of hours at A and E. The boys all reverted to type. Joel came to meet me to take Chris to hospital. Ryan stayed at home as he has history with blood and stuff, but phoned when I was nearly home and was ready with a hug and a cup of tea. Nathan dispensed hugs too, and uttered the immortal words "Do we need a chocolate run?"  I sat at home and waited. Still. Trying not to dwell on the fact that this is the worst possible time for  Chris to be injure...

I had a meeting in a coffee shop this morning. The request was for cake so I chose accordingly. On my way to the table Tray in hand Slopping coffee everywhere The realisation hit me. Our lattes didn’t look in the least like lattes. On further investigation they didn’t taste like them either. So I returned to the counter with the words “These lattes don’t seem right.” After a little discussion, The girl behind the counter informed me that what I was describing wasn’t a latte at all. It was in fact a cappuccino... Cue prolonged silence as clanger descends. Now I’m quite forthcoming on my love of coffee. I can tell my flat white from my elbow. And to be honest, I’d been drinking lattes since before the person serving me was a twinkle in her Daddy’s eye. To cut a long story short I returned to the table with two lattes. They looked like lattes And tasted like lattes. We were happy. But the question on my mind recently has been When do we become unteachabl...

I’ve not been on Facebook much recently. Negotiating a 10yr account is tricky at times. Especially when it combines work, friends and family. Boundaries can be blurred. Things get stressy. Mental health suffers. I do, however want to say a couple of things: 1. I’m sorry if I haven’t commented on your posts recently. I’ve hardly been on, except to post the occasional news or birthday wishes. Forgive me? 2. I’ve decided against starting a fresh account. You are my friend because you have shared my life to some degree. I’m grateful for you. 3. My fairly new prayer strategy is that when people pop into my mind I pray for them. I’m not really a Prayer List person, but I often pray for you. This is also known as ‘Chucking you up to the throne of grace’. So chances are, even though I may not have ‘liked’ your post, I will have prayed. And finally What have I missed? Tell me your news. Thank you for understanding. With love and prayers From your ever-evolving friend ...

The town where I live is quite busy. It has tons of roundabouts And a bountiful supply of parked cars. Driving around it is interesting at times. All the time it seems we’re faced with the ancient philosophical question  question To give way or not to give way. Now I know there are rules about such things. I know the Highway Code and can recite it on request. Obviously 🙄 But what about times when judgement is required? It’s my right of way. There are parked cars on both sides but room for two. It’s not my right of way but they’re approaching very slowly. And the age old ‘Who dares wins’ When you all get to the roundabout at the same time. Time and experience has taught me how to be a fairly good, safe driver. Other people may not agree with me. Ask my sons about my clutch control. But I’ve not had any complaints. At least not to my face. My thinking is how in life we know the right thing to do. We know the rules. We know our rights And we have every ...

I’m reading a book about Psalm 23 at the moment. The Lord is my shepherd I shall lack nothing. The Psalm has become a favourite in recent years. If you spot me talking to myself, while walking Daisy by a river, I’ll be reciting Psalm 23. It helps me stay grounded in God Even, or especially when life is a bit of a struggle. It’s mental health awareness month. Or at least I think it is. I’m in a good place at the moment. The worst and longest depressive episode I ever had, began to pass about 14 months ago. I feel more alive than I have in quite a few years. I’m grateful. But today I want to sit with those who are struggling. To pull up a chair Curl up And just be quiet next to you. The one thing I know I lacked in the worst of times Was hope. Hope that the darkness would ever end. Hope that I would survive. Hope that I would ever feel remotely like me again. I don’t have answers. And actually answers are not what I needed. I’d done it all. Tried eve...

The lake was quiet tonight. In fact I had it to myself for most of the time. Apart from the seagulls The coots And the odd grebe. I’d done about twenty strokes when the rain started to fall. I count them with my breaths. Just at the start to keep me focused On something other than the temperature of the water. Sometimes I forget why I swim. Until I get back in the water And it immediately soothes my heart My mind My soul. And the rain? It reminds me that there is a cycle to life. Rain is part of that and there’s a strange but wonderful feeling Of swimming in the rain. Sing along if you know it... Life is sometimes ordinary. It happens. But in the ordinary we find wonder Peace Life itself. May we find extraordinary in the ordinary. For there truth lies. And hope And joy.

This week has been marked by inactivity. The most ministry-filled Easter in recent years left me with little energy. I fought it for a day or two. Kind-of. Then I followed the advice I give to others: Talk to yourself as you would, a dearest friend. So I rested and relaxed. Walked Daisy Watched Nathan play football. Read and watched TV It helps. Yesterday I was thinking about Jesus' appearances to his disciples post-resurrection. He didn't crack the whip Or tell them it was time to get to work. He didn't make them feel guilty for their lack. Instead he ate with them. Spoke peace to them. Showed them his hands and his side that they might believe. It's a bit of a pattern with him, I notice. Nothing is more important than just being with him. No work, no task, no obligation. It's about balance. Life is busy. I know that. May we hear the voice of Jesus saying "Peace be with you." Amid it all.          He restores my soul...

I wasn’t going to write today. My brain Body And emotions Went into overdrive this morning. Not for the first time this week  I’ve found myself  Shaking and Crying tears of frustration  With myself mainly. I’ve decided to write because  Now work is finished  Lunch has been eaten and Eggs given out I am amazed. I’m amazed that this is the first Easter  I haven’t been ill In 5 yrs. I’m amazed that I’ve been to every thing Done all the prep  And delivered every message I had planned for. I hate busyness for busyness sake. It doesn’t impress me in myself  Or in others But in this afternoon sunshine  I’m quietly chuffed with myself. And finally  Most importantly  I’m amazed at what Easter means for me. Not a dead God, but a risen Saviour. Not empty dreams but vibrant hopes. Not a time of mourning  But a time to celebrate With family  Fo...

On t he night he was arrested,  J esus shared the Passover Meal with His disciples. The meal was, and is significant. Jesus said to them,  Do this in remembrance of me. Remember Me. Who I am What I’ve done. Never Forget. Every Meal Every Day Every Conversation Every Task Things are about to change. Never Forget that I’ve promised to be with you always. Christ in you, the hope of glory The thief on the cross said to Jesus, 'Remember me when you come into your kingdom.' Jesus replied,  Today  you will be with me  in paradise. We are never forgotten. Our names are written on the palms of his hands. He loved us enough to die for us. Never forget.

I think I’ve always loved Easter. My childhood memories are of  Daffodils and Sunshine. Picnics and primroses  New dresses  Chocolate Eggs. Our own family memories of Easter are precious too. Ryan took his first steps on a Good Friday. Football kits Treasure Hunts Easter Eggs  Among all the good memories, Easter these days feels a bit bittersweet. I think the events of Easter impact me more. Gethsemane Golgotha Great expectations. Staying in the moment while anticipating the ending. Easter hasn’t been great for my health in recent years. I’ve had to make choices that hurt  Balancing what I’d like to do with the energy at my disposal. There’s so much preparation involved in all the extra services. And that’s before I even think about home. I’m in a good place this year. I’m not having a depressive episode  And I’m looking forward to the weekend. But I’m so tired. Day after day of writing ...

It was just before the Passover Festival.  Jesus knew that the hour had come  for him to leave this world and go to the Father.  Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.  The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus.  Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power,  and that he had come from God  and was returning to God;   so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist.   After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet,  drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him. John 13 "Here" He said. "Let me. I see your pain. Your fear. Your doubt. I see your plans. Your dreams. Your hopes. I see how  mad I make you. How  much you long for things to turn out right. H...

Legend has it that Bono’s Mum brought out a single. It was 1988. And it was called... Where did you last see it? (Shall I have a look?) Give it a few seconds. I’m hoping you found that joke as funny as I did. If not, Look up U2 singles 1987. There you go! I worked from home today. And I found this in the freezer. Does this count as an accident at work  that’s not my fault? Today’s word is found. If you were hoping for something meaningful  Or even profound  I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong place. I’m all thought out. Except  It’s Holy Week. The week that runs the whole gamut of emotions  for Christians. It can be exhausting  For all kinds of reasons. Be gentle with yourself. And may we be found rejoicing  On Easter Day.

Silence is rarely silent in my experience. Finding quietness Stillness  Is hard. In my case it’s often accompanied by  Sirens  TV Traffic  Speech  And the occasional barking dog. My soul sometimes craves silence. Not the absence of noise But Solitude  Stillness  Peace of heart and mind. A longing to be a Mary In a Martha world. Richard Rohr  says ‘Prayer is sitting in the silence  until it silences us. Choosing gratitude until we are grateful. And praising God until we ourselves are an act of praise.’

My meditation app is very proud of me. I’m currently in a 91 day streak. You can see for yourself. Mindfulness has taught me so much recently. Acceptance  Breathing  Stillness. It’s given me tools that mean  when people are rude Judging  Upsetting  I can pause Know the truth Be set free. Meditation for me is unavoidably linked with prayer. As I pause I am drawn into God’s presence. I remember who I am. I can know the peace of God  In the middle of the storm. ‘Stay close by my side. Keep your eyes on me. Though this life is hard I will give you perfect peace.’ Laura Story

What can I bring? Nothing.  Just bring yourselves. Really? I could bring cake. Chocolates. A bottle. We're just looking forward to seeing you. You don't need to buy anything. Bring anything. Be anything. Come as you are.

My wardrobe door often makes me smile. On it are photos  Cards Motivational thingies. The picture of the otter basking in the water ‘We swim because we are too sexy for a sport that requires clothes ‘ Funny family photos. The pictures of cockapoos in sunglasses, Looking gorgeous. But pride of place is reserved  for the cards people have sent me at tricky times. ‘Fabulous woman you.’ ‘You are the type of friend that everyone wishes they had.’ The ones that remind me who they’re from  and how much they love me. How about making your own encouragement area? Mine lifts my spirits every time. And you know that  card     That text That thing you saw that reminded you of someone? Send it. If someone has touched your life, Tell them. Send kindness. The effects last a long, long time.

In praise of life. Breath. Strength. Endurance. Team  Friendship  Laughter. Bacon. Coffee  Cake  The Ordinary  The Wonderful  The Grace-full Let’s celebrate today. For today is all we have for sure. Breathe  Smile Weep Laugh Live Celebrate

Today's word has been a bit of a tricky one. Worthy is not a word I use often. For me it provokes the same reaction  as when someone says they're feeling 'humbled'. So Daisy and I have had a long, theological discussion this morning  about the concept of worth. Her contribution was based mainly around the words ball, dog, food, friend. Mine, however went the whole range from faith, approval, wholeness, to  unworthiness, guilt, shame. My cup of coffee after lunch had a message for me. It was printed on it, it didn't actually speak to me, In case you were worried. It's a message I know, but forget sometimes. It reminded me; I am God's very good idea. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am pleasing to my heavenly Father. I am outrageously loved. I am not alone. I am a child of God. I am God's masterpiece. I am unique. I am made in the image of God. I am enough just as I am. I am a work in...

It’s hard to listen. To really listen. To hear past the noise The words. The cry for attention. The need for reassurance. The constant chatter The jokes  The nervous laughter. For beyond the eyes The smile  The mask Lies truth. Loud and clear.

I’m not a huge fan of Mother’s Day. I love being a Mum. I love my boys. I love my Mum. But Mother’s Day always feels a bit weird. Bittersweet. Tinged with sadness. Grief. What if’s. You too? Today’s word is ‘Rest’. So to misquote Little Mix, this is a  ‘Shoutout to the rest’ Here’s to the rest of you. I’m so grateful for you. The would-be Mums The not-yet Mums The I’m really glad I’m not Mums The never will be Mums. The really wish I was Mums. The I miss my Mum so much Mums. Don’t feel ‘less than’ today. Don’t feel you have to be what you’re not. Don’t worry that you’re not someone’s  ‘Like a mother to me.’ Or ‘Spiritual Parents’ Or anything else you feel you’re expected to be. Stop Breathe Smile  We love you Just the way you are Thank you for who you are. For sharing your life with ours. Today  And everyday  PS I may not be a fan of Mother’s Day  But I’m a massiv...

I watched the film, ‘Mary Magdalene’ today. I wanted to be her. From the archives: "Mary" Jesus said. She turned and cried out "Master." John 20:16 Amid life With it's twists and turns Hopes and dreams Love calls my name. In times of joy Laughter Excitement Love calls my name. When I doubt Fear Despair Love calls my name In my life With it's twists and turns... hopes and dreams... Love calls my name Love True love Forgiving love Real love A love full of life Hope And possibility Calls me by my name.

I think too much. I’ve been told it lots of times By lots of different people  So it must be true. Over recent years I’ve realised  That spending time in my own head Isn’t always a good idea. Mindfulness has taught me  to be a bit less judgmental about my thoughts. They’re not good  Or bad They just are. I can notice them and let them go. I do however like a good ponder. It keeps me creative. It’s not thinking the same things over and over But  Considering  Reflecting  Contemplating  I start with a seed thought and run. Not literally  Obviously. Today’s pondering spot was a pond opposite our house. I walked  Listened Pondered Threw a stick  And heard  Three different bird songs. My head was a bit full when I left. It was less so when I returned. My heart was lighter  My spirit lifted. I can recommend it. Anyone fancy a ponder?

I’m learning to like being with people again. I may not chat excessively  but sometimes I will. I cherish moments to sit alongside Sharing views, Beauty Food  Laughter Tears And now and then  The slight leaning towards each other. The one that says  I know. I’m here. I have no words. Let’s just sit with each other. Our hearts connected through shared experience 

I am weary today. I had the best swim ever this morning. Spring is here and my endorphins are rejoicing. For the remainder of today  I will mainly be resting. Please send fruit. Or chocolate. Bearing fruit requires balance.

Some of you will know  we had a lot of deaths in our family in 2012. Once the funerals were over and birthdays and anniversaries began to roll around,  We realised that if we marked them all, We would be living in an almost constant state of remembrance. With the range of emotions that would bring. We decided instead that our remembrance  Of parents and grandparents  Would happen naturally.  With a joke, A smile  Their favourite food  A bottle of Irn Bru A “What would Grandad have said?” Laughter And tears that spring unbidden. Chris’s parents bought us a camellia  when we moved from Accrington. We planted it in a big tub In the ground  So that when we moved we could take it with us. It lived there for 13 years. When we moved to Harlow we bought  A beautiful new pot. Fresh soil. And it bloomed for a few years. Every year since they died, I watched with nervous a...

High Leigh Retreat Centre Things I’ve learnt this week: 1. My circumstances change all the time  so I can take each day on it’s merits. 2. I have some lovely colleagues  who I’m still getting to know. 3. God surprises me. All the time. 4. I love it when a plan comes together. 5. I am back. 6. I am confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord Here In the land of the living. Psalm 27:13