Earth is crammed with heaven

I have two favourite quotes about Autumn. 1. Autumn is a second Spring (Albert Camus) 2. The trees are showing us how beautiful it can be to let things go. (Anon/I don't know) I love the beauty of Autumn. The colours The smells The tastes. But if I'm not careful, it's spoilt by the fear of what's to come, A grey, dark, miserable winter. I have recently had a diagnosis from a specialist for the illness I've lived with for most of my life. I always knew it was depression. Her official diagnosis is Recurrent Episodic Depression caused by biological factors rather than life's circumstances. She describes it often as a disease of the brain. Her diagnosis has changed nothing in one sense. My medication has been adjusted and I have horrible side-effects. I'm on a phased return to work after 6 months off. I wake every day not knowing how my illness will effect me. However I have a new-found love and appreciation for the 'Sick not Weak...

I got a little bit cross today. I know. I was surprised too... Testosterone Towers is a football house. There's no escaping it. Believe me I've tried. Today,  being Saturday, a match was on the telly. And that's when it started ; The shouting The whining The helpful advice for the ref. Football With its ups and downs Is part of life in these parts. But we're not just spectators in this house. We're players too. Many a happy Saturday or Sunday has been spent in or around the football pitch. Come fair weather or foul. Today I was reminded of the practice of some teams we watched. After a goal was scored, For or against, Someone in the team would shout, IT'S NIL-NIL! I'm not going to lie, It used to really annoy me. But today I can see the attraction. Let's put all our efforts into now. As if the past has never been. Let's start afresh. Let's put the past, it's joys and sorrows, where it belongs. My work? It's ...

God told me to go for a swim this morning. I know! You'd think with Brexit, and Trump, and the Middle-East God would have more important things to think about. But nevertheless, this morning, when the options were 1. Go for a swim in the lake 2. Take Daisy for a walk 3. Go to church, though Chris is preaching on a subject close to home and I'm off sick, God sent me swimming. The road to the lake is a winding one. The men in the big white car behind me, clearly wanted to get in the car with me. They beeped goodbye to me as I turned off, and gave me a special wave. At least I think that's what it was.... Anyway, for those who don't know I've recently started wild swimming. The option is either to swim in a wetsuit, complete with hat and goggles; or in 'skins', which isn't nearly as rude as it sounds, but means you swim in a costume, with hat and goggles and a tow-float so you can be seen. I swim in 'skins'. The only fa...

I went to see The Shack on Monday. Now if by this point, you're starting to bristle.... and want to talk to me about it's theological soundness.... please, stop reading now. Because in the nicest possible way, (obviously); I don't really care. (In love....) After starting to emerge from the worst depressive episode I've ever experienced, in 23 years of the illness, and finally getting the courage to write again, I've decided to give you my thoughts. To 'speak of what I know' (John Gowans) I offer you nothing more than that. So, back to The Shack. I read it back in 2008. I read it as it is published, as a work of fiction. It spoke to my heart and my soul. The idea that God: Father Son Spirit comes to us exactly how we need him in that moment is one I can run with. The film did the same. Challenged me. Inspired me. Met me deep within. There were times when I needed to suspend belief, but that's what cinema is for isn...

I went to church last night. It was the first time since mid-February. Depression hit last September and hasn't lifted significantly since then. After months of trying to manage it; To work my way through it; To pretend it wasn't really that bad; I was signed off with clinical depression. This blog post isn't to gain sympathy. More, it's to be real about an illness I have had for most of my life. It's not an easy thing to live with. I have to constantly remind myself I'm not weak, but sick. Lots of people don't understand. I answer the same questions over and over about what I'm doing to help myself. I try and smile as I answer, while inside I'm crying. Imagine the injustice of being ill and people leaving you feeling it's somehow your fault? You'd be better if only you would.... So my friends This is me raising my head above the parapet and saying Yes I have a chronic illness. No, nothing seems to help at times. Yes I...

We walked in the opposite direction today, Daisy and I, We set out on a longer walk than usual and chose a different path. Beside the canal, over some bridges, through a few fields. Having a bit of puff left, we decided to go round the lake we often venture round, but as we're wild things who can't be tamed we went round the other way. I know! It was fun for a while Darting robins Trees from a different angle Views of the lake we hadn't seen before. I loved it. Daisy? Not so much. She seemed happy enough for a while; but didn't seem to recognise her favourite places, or her usual watering holes. Her piece-de-resistance though, happened at the car park. At precisely the moment when she was supposed to wait while I put her lead on, she thought it would be really funny to run off. As soon as I got close she darted in another direction. Every time. For 45 minutes. Well when I say funny...... This time of year we're bombarded with advic...

Friday. The day when people are given a prompt and write for five minutes. Today's prompt is TEST. And so the test has come. The moment of truth. As I pause and breathe and open my mouth in a new place with new people who have barely known me two summers. I've lived with this for most of my adult life but you know it never gets any easier. Hannah West describes living with depression when she feels well: 'The attacker that threatened my life still lives in my house.' He has attacked me again. And yet again I feel I should have been able to stop him. But the truth is that there is an inevitability to this horrible illness which in my mind is a bit like Voldemort, he who must not be named. I am sick. Yes I pray. Yes I believe. Yes I have asked God for healing. Yes I live mindfully. Yes I meditate. Yes I try to have proper rest. Yes I have work-life balance Yes I exercise. Yes I tick all the boxes that people think I should Yes depres...