On recovering from Covid.

It’s eight weeks today since I first tested positive for covid.
2021 heralded our 29th Christmas as Corps officers and we were ready for a break.
Christmas Day has always felt a bit like our finishing line, and the following days, including the middle Sunday, have always been our time.
For family
For pj days
For rest.

So you can imagine how thrilled we were when it was the fourth consecutive period of time off that I’d become ill. This time with covid.

Maybe I should have got the message before now?
I’m not great at switching off, though I try.
We have days off, but they are often interrupted.

Instead I saw in the new year asleep in my bed with a hacking cough.

And now?
I’m half way through two weeks off sick with ‘covid complications’.
The last few weeks have been tough.
Historically I have episodes of depression, and when the fear strikes I have to remind myself, as my Dr did, that the way I feel is classic Covid/Omicron, and the only way through is to rest.

I miss people.
I miss my swims. They’re not possible at the moment as my body doesn’t react to the cold water like it did pre-covid.

But the hardest thing?
Staying off my phone.
My texts. My emails. Even social media.

I’ve had to face the fact I can’t be the one that is there for everyone at the moment.
Not because I’m depressed, but because I’m recovering from a nasty virus.

It has been really hard. Almost physically painful, and certainly mentally.
But last night, when I went to bed, I realised I felt stronger.
Gone was the constant whirlwind of thoughts and emotions inside my head.
I felt calm.
At peace.
Recovering.

And the other thing I’ve realised?
I can let go.
It’s hard to lay things down when you are a leader during a pandemic.
When you have been the one with whom the buck stopped.
And I smile as I remember my friend talking about an organisation during lockdown,
“Maybe we just have to accept that we’re not as vital or important as we think we are.”

So I offer these thoughts today for a few reasons:
1. I’m making progress, albeit slow, but I’ll be back.

2. If you’re recovering from covid, it might help to know it’s not just you that feels that way.

3. It’s easy to create a culture when we are the centre. The person everyone looks to, turns to, goes to. Sometimes that is our calling.
But if we feel burdened, exhausted and overwhelmed by other people’s needs, then maybe it’s time to press pause, to rethink the way we do things.

Maybe even to rest a bit?
To turn our focus to the one who knows us best and loves us most.
It’s hard when it’s in our nature to be the fixer.
But God’s got this. And you.

With love x

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