Earth is crammed with heaven

God told me to go for a swim this morning. I know! You'd think with Brexit, and Trump, and the Middle-East God would have more important things to think about. But nevertheless, this morning, when the options were 1. Go for a swim in the lake 2. Take Daisy for a walk 3. Go to church, though Chris is preaching on a subject close to home and I'm off sick, God sent me swimming. The road to the lake is a winding one. The men in the big white car behind me, clearly wanted to get in the car with me. They beeped goodbye to me as I turned off, and gave me a special wave. At least I think that's what it was.... Anyway, for those who don't know I've recently started wild swimming. The option is either to swim in a wetsuit, complete with hat and goggles; or in 'skins', which isn't nearly as rude as it sounds, but means you swim in a costume, with hat and goggles and a tow-float so you can be seen. I swim in 'skins'. The only fa...

I went to see The Shack on Monday. Now if by this point, you're starting to bristle.... and want to talk to me about it's theological soundness.... please, stop reading now. Because in the nicest possible way, (obviously); I don't really care. (In love....) After starting to emerge from the worst depressive episode I've ever experienced, in 23 years of the illness, and finally getting the courage to write again, I've decided to give you my thoughts. To 'speak of what I know' (John Gowans) I offer you nothing more than that. So, back to The Shack. I read it back in 2008. I read it as it is published, as a work of fiction. It spoke to my heart and my soul. The idea that God: Father Son Spirit comes to us exactly how we need him in that moment is one I can run with. The film did the same. Challenged me. Inspired me. Met me deep within. There were times when I needed to suspend belief, but that's what cinema is for isn...

I went to church last night. It was the first time since mid-February. Depression hit last September and hasn't lifted significantly since then. After months of trying to manage it; To work my way through it; To pretend it wasn't really that bad; I was signed off with clinical depression. This blog post isn't to gain sympathy. More, it's to be real about an illness I have had for most of my life. It's not an easy thing to live with. I have to constantly remind myself I'm not weak, but sick. Lots of people don't understand. I answer the same questions over and over about what I'm doing to help myself. I try and smile as I answer, while inside I'm crying. Imagine the injustice of being ill and people leaving you feeling it's somehow your fault? You'd be better if only you would.... So my friends This is me raising my head above the parapet and saying Yes I have a chronic illness. No, nothing seems to help at times. Yes I...

We walked in the opposite direction today, Daisy and I, We set out on a longer walk than usual and chose a different path. Beside the canal, over some bridges, through a few fields. Having a bit of puff left, we decided to go round the lake we often venture round, but as we're wild things who can't be tamed we went round the other way. I know! It was fun for a while Darting robins Trees from a different angle Views of the lake we hadn't seen before. I loved it. Daisy? Not so much. She seemed happy enough for a while; but didn't seem to recognise her favourite places, or her usual watering holes. Her piece-de-resistance though, happened at the car park. At precisely the moment when she was supposed to wait while I put her lead on, she thought it would be really funny to run off. As soon as I got close she darted in another direction. Every time. For 45 minutes. Well when I say funny...... This time of year we're bombarded with advic...

Friday. The day when people are given a prompt and write for five minutes. Today's prompt is TEST. And so the test has come. The moment of truth. As I pause and breathe and open my mouth in a new place with new people who have barely known me two summers. I've lived with this for most of my adult life but you know it never gets any easier. Hannah West describes living with depression when she feels well: 'The attacker that threatened my life still lives in my house.' He has attacked me again. And yet again I feel I should have been able to stop him. But the truth is that there is an inevitability to this horrible illness which in my mind is a bit like Voldemort, he who must not be named. I am sick. Yes I pray. Yes I believe. Yes I have asked God for healing. Yes I live mindfully. Yes I meditate. Yes I try to have proper rest. Yes I have work-life balance Yes I exercise. Yes I tick all the boxes that people think I should Yes depres...

We've spent 4 hours in the car today. We'll be repeating the same journey next Saturday as it's that time of year again. The time when teens and twenties give up weeks of their Summer, just to make a difference in the life of a child. This isn't some fancy camp. No amazing excursions, trips out or extended time off. This is a tough gig. A camp for children from really hard circumstances who come for fun, excitement, a glimpse of love and life as they've never experienced it before. As we dropped off our middle son, our eldest son ran to meet us for one of those hugs that you think will never end. A hug that says a thousand words that you don't have. A hug that you hold until some of the strain starts to disperse. As he whispered in my ear, he told just a few things he'd experienced this last week. And as a Mother I'm torn between the pride I feel at my sons, and the other young people who are on the staff, who give of themselves ove...

Harlow was on The One Show last night. I know! We have a tic in the area. It infects dogs. They lose strength in their legs, can't eat or drink, and if untreated it's lethal. Apparently it's a tiny little thing. It's probably come here on another dog that's been on holiday abroad. It's causing chaos. Weakness. Exhaustion. Inability to function. Pain. And in one case, death. Just a little thing..... Amid all the beauty of the area. Little things have a way of causing chaos. One word. One look. One mistake. It's not the big things I usually have an issue with. Adrenaline tends to kick in, at least for a while. But the little things? They kill me. Every time. And before I know it I feel weak, Exhausted Unable to function. Jesus said, "Come to me... All you who are tired from carrying heavy loads... I will give you rest." Come to me. I will give you rest. Not more criticism. Or harsh wor...