Sunday, 8 June 2014

In the shadow.

I've been quite quiet on the blog lately.
You may have noticed.
Equally you may not.
It's not all about me after all.

I had thought about posting something from the Archives.
Until about 5 mins ago when I read
"Your story: What silences you?"

The truth is that my ongoing battle with depression,
or the black dog as it's affectionately known,
frequently silences me.

Not because of brain fog
Or lack of concentration
Or other symptoms of depression.
But more a sense of disappointment,
devastation,
maybe even shame,
that I'm in that place once again.

It's hard for me to accept that all the coping mechanisms I put in place:
The walking
The running
The quiet times
The trying to pace myself and not take on too much
The CBT
Have all failed me.
Again.

So here I am
Signed off sick.
Ordered to self-care
While trying to silence the voice of the enemy that says
I'm a failure.
I'm letting people down.
I'm in the wrong job.
Other people can cope, why can't I?

This is my story.
The real one.
The no-holds barred one.
The one in which the medical profession are beginning to wonder
if this is just part of my life that I have to accept.
It's been over 20yrs now after all.

Maybe you are a fellow-traveller?
Maybe there's part of your story that has been silenced?

I'm resting for now.
Resting in the shadow of the Almighty.
There's plenty of room under here.
I'm known
Loved.
Held.




2 comments:

Arista said...

I am one of those travelers with you.There is no need for guilt or blame as it is not your fault.easier said than done Iknow.God understand and is will you through it all.

Meredith Bernard said...

I’ve only had glimpses of depression in my life, but I have close loved ones that suffer and I know it’s real and it’s raw. Praying peace and love over you tonight, Karen. You said it yourself. You are loved and you are held. And you are. Always. By your Father who loves you completely just. as. you. are. Even when it seems nobody else does and even as nobody else can.

Lord, I pray blessings on Karen tonight. Let her feel your loving embrace as she struggles to see the light right now. You are Light. You are Love. And you love her. Let her feel that and know that in the deepest recesses of her heart and soul. Father, reach down and hold your daughter as she struggles to find the meaning of it all. I pray healing and hope for her tonight. In Jesus Name. Amen.