Monday, 8 April 2013

On hitting the wall.

It's Marathon season.
Every few minutes on any given networking site I see requests with links to justgiving.
If I'm honest I'm a little jealous.
Not necessarily of the Marathon,
But of the decision to do something,
Then putting in the work,
And then bringing it to a joyful, if exhausted, speechless, conclusion.

I feel as if I've hit the famous 'Wall' that marathon runners speak of.
My recovery has been good so far.
I can chat to people now.
I can laugh.
I can enjoy family life with Chris and the boys.
I can go to unknown places with less fear.
I can make arrangements and stick to them.

I'm doing more and more in Sunday Worship
Kids Stuff....
Songs...
Reading Scripture...
Praying...

Leading Worship and Preaching is stuff that energises me.
I've missed it.

And this Sunday I've offered to preach.
A sermon.
A proper one.
I know....

But you know, sometimes I still feel the fear.
The anxiety.
The raised heartbeat.
The quiver of my lip.
The tears springing to my eyes,
And rolling silently down my face.
The sinking feeling within me.
The hot flush.
(Though the last one could be something else entirely...)

Our future is still uncertain.

I know it is for everyone, but still;
Doors are closing gently, one by one...

I trust Him

Oh how I trust Him

But I still see this long, and winding road reaching far into the distance.
And I don't know if recovery
And healing
And ministry in it's fullest sense,
is at the end of it.

I know that God knows.
He knows that I know He knows.
It helps, of course it does.
And yet.....

These are the verses I've been given recently

Stand at the crossroads and look;
Ask for the ancient paths,
Ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
And you will find rest for your souls.
Jeremiah 6:16


PS I know the end bit says
"But you said, ‘We will not walk in it.’"
I'm pondering that bit.

Trust in the Lord and do good;
Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Take delight in the Lord,
And he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
Trust in him and he will do this:
Psalm 37:3-5

So for now,
At this wall,

I will mainly be:

Standing

Looking

Asking

Resting

Trusting

Doing

Delighting

Commiting

And ooh look, it's there again!
Trusting.

Join me?

Please comment at the bottom.
I'd love to hear how it is for you.
Maybe you've been there?
Maybe you are there?
Look forward to hearing from you.

PS I wrote this in Five Minute Friday style,
Even though it's Monday.
I just wrote, and wrote,
No corrections or adjustments.
These are the thoughts of my heart.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Karen, You put into words so eloquently feelings I have had, and still have sometimes. There are things I would like to do, but right now all I can do is stand and look. I am beginning to believe it is good to stand and look,and listen, and wait. (Or even sit...) Thank you for your honesty. Real life is so much more helpful and uplifting than glossy life. Lizzie x

Karen Sandford said...

Thanks Lizzie.
Glad to hear your recent news.
Lots of love
Karen x

Fiona Birch said...

Just plucked up courage to write a response and then lost it, moment gone. Lol but I will tell you one day ;-) Karen I admire your ability to speak so beautifully about something so debilitating. From one whose journey was so different, yet so similar in some ways. Keep strong, keep trusting. Much love xx

Tonya Salomons said...

Karen, so beautiful and such eloquence... Your willingness to wait for what God has is so humbling... I know this long and winding road of which you speak. Praying hard kneeling prayers for you sister.

Karen Sandford said...

Thanks Fi. Tell me soon!
Love you xx

Karen Sandford said...

Tonya, Thanks sister x

Angie Mabry-Nauta said...

Oh, Karen...depression sucks, doesn't it? It sucks the life right out of we who suffer from it. I walked each step of your word-journey with you, feeling your pain with empathy and understanding. Yes, trusting God is the best thing we can do. The second best is praying for each other. Blessings to you, my sister!

Karen Sandford said...

Thanks Angie.
Yes it does suck. Sometimes in Dementor Fashion. And sometimes it's like an imp that's always ready to pounce. Had a moment like that this aft. I hate it.
But I love that we can pray for each other as fellow travellers x