Earth is crammed with heaven

Happy Christmas! Those who know us well, will be well aware that 2012 could easily be called our Annus Horribilis, And other rude words which I won't mention here. This Christmas we will be aware of those who are absent for the first time, Chris's Mum and Dad, Charles and Irene. My Grandad Fred. And my Dad, John. We miss, and will miss them dreadfully But we will remember them with love and thanks Not only for the people they were But for the way they loved us so well. So bearing all that in mind I asked Chris and the boys for one positive thing that had happened in 2012. Chris - West Ham got back into the Premiership and recently beat Chelsea. Ryan - His first lads' holiday in Malia Joel   - Grew 5 inches in 2 months Nathan - Got his grade 1 piano And me? I abseiled 70ft off Black Rock in Derbyshire. I know! We also had a good holiday in Tenerife. Wall-to-wall sunshine was just what the Dr ordered. And it gave us some much-needed rest and recuper

I set out at the end of November with clenched teeth, and a face set towards my destination I was determined. I was going to find it, no matter what. It would be easy, after all I love this time of year. But decoration after decoration Christmas card after Christmas card Ornament after ornament Nativity scene after nativity scene Light after light Seemed to make no difference. I was in search of joy. But candle after candle still left me floundering in the darkness. Tears sprang to my eyes as I told one of my dearest friends, "I'm looking for joy. But I can't find it in any of the usual places." She held me close and said Maybe I just need to go with the flow. Stop trying so hard. Let God surprise you. So I did. And He has. Kind of..... I'm not rolling in the aisles but I have found blessings. In the two nights in the row where we've sat as a family and laughed and sang as we watched Christmas films. In the Carol Service at th

Today I opened one of our Nativity Sets to discover that Joseph had lost his head. One of our other sets has a king with a repaired head. Our eldest son was a bit over-enthusiastic about helping me put it out when he was two.... When I mentioned my headless Joseph on facebook this afternoon, I discovered friends had a headless shepherd, and an earless donkey. Oh and an armless Jesus. Which brings me to a point that is very relevant to me at the moment. We come to God as people who long to be made whole. In our humanity we are broken. But that's ok because God loves broken things. Each individual involved in the Nativity was broken. Some were more aware of it than others. But God used them in their brokenness. This Advent season may be different to past ones. But God meets us in our brokenness. He loves us back to healing and wholeness. Grace is everything. Check out the song 'Broken Hallelujah' by Mandisa https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_d

We've just got back from a friend's. We went there for lunch. Roast lamb with all the trimmings followed by sticky toffee pudding. It was hard to resist the invitation. She's a great cook. But more than that she's a great friend. You know the type of person who always makes you smile? When you spend time with them you know there'll be fun laughter debate more laughter. But for me, it goes deeper than that. She asks how I am and the tears spring to my eyes Because she knows.... She knows that life is tough. She knows the isolation I feel. She knows that in loving me, she is bringing a little bit of heaven to earth. In Luke 1, Mary finds out she's pregnant and goes straight to her cousin Elizabeth. Was it to escape the clamour? To make sense of it in her head? To get used to the idea? Or did she go because she knew that in Elizabeth she had A friend A confidante A kindred spirit? I like to think God led her to a place of safety whe

I helped at Nathan's Christmas Fair yesterday. It was packed with excited children and exhausted parents, so pretty much business as usual. Do you ever want to scream STOP at this time of year? Enough. Too much already. Mum, my sister and I sorted out Dad's things on Tuesday. As we filled the car with bags for the charity shop it felt so final. A person's life contained in a car-load. STOP. Enough. Too much already. Today has been a better day. The sun has shone. The sky turned a brilliant blue after the snow showers. And I had a lovely coffee with Chris at the Garden Centre. As we were driving back I remembered the Advent challenge I gave our congregation a few years back. It came from the carol, 'It came upon the midnight clear', And the challenge was to 'Hush the noise, ye men (and women) of strife And hear the angels sing.' Or, STOP. Look for the reality of His presence in the madness of Christmas. Listen for Him. His ange

It's been a Christmassy few days. Saturday night was the Golf Club Dinner and Dance. We go every year with a group of friends. It's always a good night. Yesterday we went to the Dickens Christmas Fayre in Rochester. And today we walked along the South Bank from London Bridge. It was lovely to see the sights and sounds of the Christmas Market Stalls. Our purchase from The Christmas Market! The trouble is it all feels different. In my mind I hear the words 'Nothing will be the same again.' Of course it won't. Our family looks very different this Christmas to last. But does different have to mean worse? Can we still know Christmas Joy in our grief? Graham Kendrick wrote about the birth of Jesus. 'And nothing will ever be the same again This night has changed everything.' The true light that enlightens everyone was coming into the world. John 1:9 Jesus' birth changed the world. He can change our darkness into light.

I made my Christmas cake this morning. Well actually, the mixture is ready to go in the oven. No greaseproof paper to line the tin....schoolgirl error! I love this time of year. I love Advent, I think even more than Christmas itself. I love the anticipation... the wonder... the excitement... In a way it's a relief for us as a family to have something normal happening in our lives for a change. The loss of Chris's parents, my Grandad, and my Dad this year has left us reeling. Nothing is as it usually is, So the normality of Advent is very welcome. Anyway, back to the Christmas cake.                                                                 My kitchen this morning                                                           I'm not the most ordered cook! It's an ancient Marguerite Patten recipe I use. I've tried others but keep coming back to this one. I had everything ready and prepared. The fruit, the nuts, the cherries, the brandy. I

It's confession time! Psalm 23 was never a favourite of mine. I'd learnt it at school. Sang countless arrangements of it. Heard it read over and over again. But somehow it never really filtered through.   Until about a year ago. 'Certainties' in my life have become less and less, so I have come to cry out more and more to the shepherd who supplies all I need.   The Shepherd who Leads... Guides... Restores... Protects... Provides...   A friend shared this with me today. It spoke to my heart and brought a tear to my eye. Be blessed x   The Lord is my constant companion. There is no need that He cannot fulfill. Whether His course for me points to the mountaintops of glorious joy or to the valleys of human suffering, He is by my side. He is ever present with me, He is close beside me when I tread the dark streets of danger, and even when I flirt with death itself, ...   He will not leave me. When the pain is severe, He is ne

Today is Stir Up Sunday. The last Sunday before Advent is traditionally the day to make your Christmas Puddings. But if that idea doesn't fill you with joy, then maybe take a moment to think about this. 'Stir up O Lord, the wills of your faithful people.' It's from the Book of Common Prayer, and it's where this Sunday gets it name from. My circumstances are very different this year. I have choices about how I spend this Advent Season. What about you? Before we get caught up in the whirlwind of Christmas, how about being stirred up a bit? Not to make us more frantic, but to look at things differently. Perhaps even to really see Jesus this Christmas. 'And he shall be called Immanuel.... God with us.' Matthew 1:23 Happy Stir Up Sunday. Enjoy your pud!

I am trapped upstairs for a few hours. It's ok. In fact it's infinitely preferable to the prospect of being downstairs. Upstairs I have space, warmth, books, magazines, and a cup of tea. Downstairs there are two rooms piled high with furniture and stuff, and a floor I can't walk on until it dries. Upstairs, I am content. Downstairs, before I completed the necessary gymnastic feat to get my foot on the stairs, I was miserable. Who was it that said, "I'm in my own little world. It's ok, they know me here."? Psalm 91:4 says "He will cover you with his feathers, He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armour and protection." Under His feathers I am safe. I may be here a while.

I got a surprise in the post today. My friend Julie, who I know prays for me a lot, sent me a peace lily. The instructions made me smile Your Peace Lily will tell you when it hasn't been watered as its leaves will droop (but try to avoid it reaching that stage)! That sounds familiar.... Last week I had a line of a song going through my head. Something about a soft robe wrapping me up in his love. He gives you peace like a river, washing away all your fears. He gives you light, like a new day, glowing through all your tears. He gives you joy, like a soft robe wrapping you up in His love. He gives you strength, like an eagle, hovering high above. He came hoping to show you the way to be free. He came dying to love you, so you could see how to see. He gives you hope, like fresh laughter bubbling out of a child. He gives you life that’s unending, loving you all the while. Why not pray it for you and your family, as I pray it over mine. May the peace of God, which trans

In some ways I feel as if I'm losing everything I once held dear at the moment. Nothing is as it was. But this is what I cling on to. God loves me. I trust Him.

It's just over 6 months since I worked publicly. The depression that knocked me off my feet yet again, is lifting. Some powerful prayer over the last few weeks has reminded me that I am God's princess, and he wants me whole. Some healing has taken place. I've also been trying to take better care of myself. Those who know me well know that I'm more blessed by chocolate than carrots. However eating better, walking a lot, and resting when I need to has helped me in my recovery. The grief at the losses we have suffered over the past 6 months hits us like a freak wave in a calm sea at times, but we go with it, and I'm sensing that's a good thing. At the end of April, I couldn't see that I would ever work again. This life as God's co-worker was too hard. But as I heard His voice responding to my cries say, "I know..." And his answer to my questions was just, "Trust Me..." Somehow we have made it through to today. Today I kn

This was the view as I perched on our decking yesterday to drink my coffee.  And then I looked closer... I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. Isaiah 45:3

God came close on the M25 yesterday. Not for the usual reasons of oaths sworn by drivers, people going too fast, or even those who think they own the road. Instead, God used a very old CD. It's title of 'New worship songs' is 12 years old, but I put it on because I was on my own in the car and fancied a sing. Some of them were familiar songs, but as I sang I noticed a phrase kept on coming through. "The Father's Embrace." One song particularly gripped me as I sang. Next thing I knew I was smiling, as the God who makes himself real in my circumstances, surprised me yet again. You see, for a girl who's recently lost her Dad, and is missing his big bear hugs, it's great to know that my heavenly father 'embraces' me. He doesn't hug, smooch or cuddle, but He embraces me. He lifts me in His big strong arms, and holds me securely. Here's the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-N6tihSBZow It's based on Psalm 27, wh

I used to think of the term 'Sacrifice of praise' as an offering of praise. Sacrifices on the altar were traditionally gifts, or offerings that someone brought to God. It was often the best they had to bring. But I've recently been thinking of it in terms of praise to God being costly. I've never been a "It's all good!" type of person. Or even a, dare I say it, "God is good all the time" kind of person either. I know He is. Of course He is. But to try to express it at times when my world has been falling apart is unhelpful at best, and impossible at worst. Yesterday, however, I had a message from a lovely Christian gentleman. He's very well known in Salvation Army circles, but we'd only recently had direct contact from him, following our losses. He'd written a poem about grace. It was beautiful. But as I read it, it got harder and harder to read and accept. When I mentioned this to him, he wrote this... "If I don't

It's 5 o'clock on a Saturday sang Billy Joel. Well it's actually 5 o'clock on a Thursday but that doesn't have the same ring to it. I'm awake because I have laryngitis and can't stop coughing so I thought I'd do something useful like create this blog. Welcome to my world! At the moment I'm banned from speaking. It's day 5 and my voice hasn't improved. It's frustrating to have to write everything down. I choose my words more carefully though as they take so long. Last night I went to Hastings, and was reminded of the poem that gave me my blog title. "Earth is crammed with heaven And every common bush afire with God. But only he who sees takes off their shoes..." As I spend more time in enforced silence I hope to see.... Shame my husband and boys haven't got it too!

Calling all Salvation Army Singing Company (choir) members from the 70’s and 80’s! Remember this one? “What blest provision of thy grace, that I should find a secret place? Within thy presence there to dwell and silently my need to tell.” New Songs for YP May’74. I was in Liverpool Walton Singing Company, when I sang this for the first time. At the tender age of 9, it captured my imagination, and even more so now. Tell me any busy Mum who doesn’t occasionally long for a secret place of their own! So imagine my joy over the last few years as it dawned on me that a “devotional time” (pious face optional) with God, wasn’t necessarily going to be a set time or place in my schedule. Instead, the ever-present God refused to be compartmentalised, and I could find him wherever I chose to look. When returning home after a busy day, and finding a whole host of mundane tasks still to do, I realized that I could just take off my shoes, and remind myself that I was on ‘holy ground’ (Exodus 3:

So this is it. My Dad's funeral is today. I can't sleep. So these are my thoughts: I'm glad we've got some good songs planned.. Our family and friends sing well, And as we sing Feed me now and evermore we'll exchange a smile at Dad belting out the bass notes. I'm looking forward to hearing all the tributes. I've been reminded in recent Weeks that Dad was well Loved and had an impact on many people. I'm dreading the final farewell, but will leave Dad in faith that God has wiped every tear from his eye, And he no longer knows suffering or pain (Rev21) So here we go. May today be a fitting tribute to my earthly Dad And bring glory to my heavenly Father. Oh and may I get through my tribute without blubbing!

Dad died suddenly on a sunny August morning. There had been no warning. He’d been ill for years but we weren’t expecting to lose him. As we left the place where he’d drawn his final breaths, the blue sky and sunshine seemed to mock us. We wanted to scream what had happened to the people passing, going about their business. And the tears started. Sometimes it feels as if they’ll never stop. You see this wasn’t the first death that had occurred in our family. In fact it was the fourth in four months. We had lost key figures in our lives. A dearly loved Grandad, and three parents. These weren’t minor losses they were huge. And as I looked at our family, especially our children, just last week, as we sat in the garden having a barbecue, I thought, “It’s too much sadness for one family.” How much can one family take? How much can I take if it comes to that? We know where our loved ones are now. We believe that Jesus has taken them Home to rest. But the pain of parting f

This was published in Salvationist 8.9.12 “Twist me and turn me and show me the elf, I looked in the water and there saw……” Anyone who has been a brownie, will probably know the story those words come from. It’s about a little girl and her brother who wanted to find a brownie to help their Mum at home. They went to the Wise Old Owl who told them the brownie could be found in the pool in the woods. The little girl had to turn around on the edge of the pool, say the rhyme above and look to see the brownie in the water. Of course the missing word was ‘myself’, and the girl was encouraged to be the one that fulfilled the role of brownie and helped her mother at home   I remembered that rhyme when I was stood at the edge of a lake last week. We’d escaped for a few hours, to get a change of scenery, and a new perspective. It was a beautiful sunny day, but it was cold, and Chris wasn’t as thrilled at the prospect of sitting under a tree staring into the water as I was. “I looked

It's two weeks today since our Dad left this world. It's been a tough time for all of us. Everywhere I go I see something that reminds me of him, and the tears come. If I'm honest, even though I was with him as he took his last breaths, I still can't believe he's gone. I've felt numb most of the time, and though I believe God is with me right now, I've longed to feel His presence in a greater way. Yesterday in the car I listened to a very old cd of The Salvation Army International Staff Songsters. I needed inspiration for Dad's funeral. 'Share my Yoke' came on. Not the best of titles. I've heard all the egg jokes. But the most amazing words and music, written by Joy Webb, a Salvation Army officer who has the gift of getting right to the heart of things. They spoke to my broken heart. How did God know, about 25yrs ago when Joy wrote it, that they would be the very words I needed to hear yesterday? Here they are. I believe that '

The trouble with being a preacher is you have to practice what you preach, or you're just insincere, untrustworthy and irrelevant. Earlier this week I blogged this 'Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble..... BUT TAKE HEART....I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD" John 16:33 We have been warned. We may like Mrs Johnson in Blood Brothers wish to be "Away from the dirt and the muck and the bloody trouble." But we are where God is. Join me in wrapping his presence around us right now. Tell the devil where to go, he has no place here. It's August, but September (ie. normality) is coming. God is already there. Trust Him.' Less than 48hrs later I was in Medway Hospital A & E with my Mum, my sister, and my brother on the phone from Australia, as my Dad took his final breaths. Jeremiah 29:11, 'I alone know the plans I have for you...' was never more real than it is now. In fact my sister said through her tears as we stood in a hudd

We plugged the phone in for the first time today after 3 weeks holiday. We've had a lovely two weeks in Tenerife followed by a week at home, doing whatever took our fancy. My reason for writing is that our personal history shows that the devil loves days like today. Days when God's children return to normality after a time of relaxing, and hopefully refreshing. He rubs his hand in glee and the phone rings, or the text arrives, or the email pings, or something is posted on fb and twitter, and he does his worst. So God's children beware over the next few days. We've already had a call that sent me into panic-mode, and fear that it's all happening again. The moment has passed but it left a little bruise. Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble..... BUT TAKE HEART....I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD" John 16:33 We have been warned. We may like Mrs Johnson in Blood Brothers wish to be "Away from the dirt and the muck and the bloody trouble.&q

Last night I went to my first ever amateur music and dance show. As Mum to 3 boys I'm more accustomed to standing in the cold and wet of a muddy football pich, but my nieces aged 5 and 8 had asked us to go. I'll be honest, I wasn't sure I'd enjoy it. I was worried it would be stage school at it's worst with cheesy fixed grins and singing in American accents. But Nathan and I went along to support the girls who were very excited. It was incredible! Entitled 'Showtime!' it included songs and dances from many of the West End musicals I loved. Beth was great as Oliver, while The Artful Dodger sang 'Consider yourself'. Abbie was really cute in her ballerina outfit and dressed as a little pig while they sang 'I'm a believer' (Shrek), and they were both lovely in school uniform as they sang, "When I grow up." from Matilda. My favourite line from that show was  "We're told we have to do what we're told, but surely someti

I should be a great gardener. My Grandad was a gardener all his life, and kept a beautiful garden into his 90's. My Mum, my Aunty, and my sister are all good in the garden. Friends give me plants, and cuttings to plant. But no. Nothing much happens. The truth is that I like the idea of a nice garden and growing my own vegetables, but once the seeds or plants are in the ground I forget about them. Until a few weeks or months later when I notice they've shrivelled up. Today I decided it was high time I did something with the plants a friend brought round about a month ago. I needed to clear some pots of weeds first, and while I was there decided to clear last years potato plants that were sat in proper potato sacks near the patio. As I pulled them up I spotted a potato. So I dug a bit deeper. It was like digging for treasure as I brought out about a dozen good sized new potatoes. Guess what we're having over the weekend? Life has been tough lately. There seems to have b

I have three boys, and when they were little I used to love reading them the story Owl Babies. For those who don't know it I've posted it here. If you know it, skip down to Owl Mothers (An alternative ending). It's my response to someone who asked what depression feels like. Once there were three baby owls Sarah and Percy and Bill They lived in a hole in the trunk of the tree with their owl mother. The hole had leaves and sticks and bits of feathers in it. It was their home. One day they woke up and their owl mother was gone Where’s Mummy? Said Sarah Oh my goodness said Percy I want my Mummy said Bill The baby owls thought (All owls think a lot) I expect she’s gone hunting said Sarah To get us our food said Percy I want my Mummy said Bill Suppose she got lost? said Sarah Or the fox got her? said Percy I want my Mummy said Bill The baby owls sat on their branches A big branch for Sarah A small branch for Percy And a bit of Ivy for Bill The ba

This is the second of my series in Salvationist. It is specifically about my role as a Salvation Army Officer and a mum, so any references to 'Army' are about that! Mum’s the Word 2   Tina Turner sang, “When I was a little girl, I had a rag doll”. My song would be similar, but mine was an Army doll. She was dressed in full old-style uniform including a bonnet and she had officer’s trimmings. She had lovely brown hair and I loved her, because I thought she looked like my Mum. As a little girl growing up I used to sit on my Mum’s knee, put my hand up and touch the pips (stars) on her epaulettes, and feel safe. When it comes to being an officer and a Mum, I learnt from the best.   My story of the challenge of being an officer and a Mum is a very different one now to the start of my officership in 1993. The years tend to give you perspective and the things that used to cause me grief, wouldn’t cause me the same kind of stress any more. However my main aim was that I never wan

I was asked to write a series for Salvationist(the weekly magazine for The Salvation Army in the UK), about my life with my boys. Here's the first one: I love being a Mum. I love our times together. But just yesterday, speaking to a friend she said, “Why do we have kids?” She was joking. She loves her daughter. But a crisis had arisen that was causing major hassles for the family. It was taking up time that was already stretched to the limit. Chris and I have three boys. Ryan is 17, Joel 14 and Nathan 10. Let’s get the sympathy vote over with now. I get it all the time. Yes, I am outnumbered. Yes, I do live with the background of sport constantly on. Yes, a girl would have been lovely. But these three boys/men are the precious gifts that God has given me. And I love it! I actually like football now. If you can’t beat them, join them. We are a family forever blowing bubbles. We learn a lot about faithfulness and loyalty in our support of West Ham United! (Apart from Ryan who sup

Today I spent the morning doing some modelling. It's not as exciting as it sounds, just a cheap way of getting my hair highlighted at a top salon. I also get as much coffee as I can drink, and a few hours peace to browse through magazines and read my book, while the stylist works her magic. The downside is that I have to sit in front of a mirror for 2 and a half hours. Some of the time I choose to avert my gaze, but I did look for a while today, and wasn't entirely happy with what I saw. Rosy cheeks,more lines than I'd like, and unmistakable dark circles under my eyes. Yes I know I need to make some changes in my life. I'm not very healthy at the moment. I'm carrying excess weight, and feeling every one of my 43 years. However, I spend my life and ministry telling people God loves them. He sees our sins and our flaws, but still we are God's precious children and he delights in us, as adults delight in toddlers taking their first steps or saying their first words